misses much, aunt.

two years... just gone like this.

no doubt, everyone has moved on. but you are still etched in our hearts every single minute.

recalling,

that day was wednesday.sister and i intend to visit you on thursday. just that one single day, a lot of things happened. mum went to visit you with some food in the afternoon at one plus? sister and i were studying at home. i still remember, im having additional maths and chemistry exams the next day. so we were saying, okay, study hard today, tomorrow shall go visit you. but phone rang at 3plus? mum said according to the doctor, you are left with a week so she asked me to pray. yup, i prayed. i prayed, hoping you will get well soon, telling god that you had already went to thailand and did so many stuffs, so please, please let you get well soon.at least, not more, let you live for one more year or half a year? at least...

but it didnt work. for that first time, i lost my faith in praying. lost. yup, i "blamed".i even have the thought "i've prayed, so what?" i know im wrong to think of that way, but because it was too sudden.5plus, mum called. sister picked the phone up. she was shouting loudly because mum was crying i think. she cant even talk properly. once i see my sister's expression, i knew something was not right. yup, that something, i hope, im wrong. i hope it was not that thing that was going through my mind.but nope, it is...

why? why not give us one more day? we already intend to visit you on thursday. but nope. we didnt get to see you one last time. even mum didnt get to see you just because they were talking to the doctors. everything was just that sudden. speechless, yup.

i regretted.i know, there's no time machine. we cant rewind the time like what we do to video. we cant stop it at that particular time when we wanted it to stop.

i regret. i regret that i did not talk much to you when you were on the bed resting, i regret that i did not went up to pat you on the back when you were coughing. i regret that i did not study even harder to get into a JC when you always wanted me to. i regret not to go on that wednesday to visit you. i regret ...

therefore, i know. never regret anything because at one time, it was what you wanted.


yup, i "hate". i "hate" you because you went to the other world that fast. i "hate" you to not let me be filial to you longer. i "hate" you because you told us about your sickness when you were already damn sick just because you didnt want us esp my mum to worry.

truly miss. i miss you. i miss the food that you cooked for us when we went to your house.i miss the talks. i miss everything when we went to your house.i miss your scolding. i miss playing mahjong with you. i miss the naggings. i miss the calling to my house every single day, every single afternoon. i miss to gossip with you too.

remember, i will remember all the things you told me and things you taught me. i will remember every word you said. and of course, remember you as my dearest aunt till the day my heart stops beating.

and, i love. i love you. i love the way you treat us as your daughter.

we went to your wake after the exams on thursday.i went to school with swollen eyes. sister's friends saw and asked her what happened. my friends saw, but i ignored every questions. i tried to smile at my friend's jokes. yup, i tried. tried to stop my eyes from being that swollen. i tried to concentrate on my exams that day.

i still remember, one of my friend smsed me at 9plus pm when i was at your wake. asked me what's the a.maths topics that will be coming out for the exams. i told him: im outside, not really sure. but these are the topics .......

so he went: oh? outside with boyfriend?

:)) what to reply? tell him im at the wake and left him speechless plus a little bit of guilty when he was not at fault in the first place?

that wednesday, when the news came to our ears, i called up my cousin's place. i told him, and he was alittle bit of, shock and dontknow what to reply. i think. because he went ... oh. and we hung the phone. more and more calls. later it was another cousin, then another aunt, after that was huihui. hui hui told us that she knew we were crying, devastated upon hearing this news. she asked us to concentrate on our exams first. but still, cant.

was contacting my cousin thru sms, was feeding him the situation every single minute. he wanted to come, but he cant. quite sad.

friday, after exams, i went to change. i remember, one of my classmate saw my dressing and he went: going to dance ah? :)) what to reply? if you were to tell him, " no, to my aunt's wake", it would be damn awkward for thm.so yup, everything keep it to myself. smile and go.

friday, the toughest day ever.

thats the last day that we can get to "feel" you beside us. mum kept asking us to "talk" to you when we were sending you to another world. its just that difficult at that point of time. even up till now, its still not that easy to "talk" to you when we go visit you.

by seeing your coffin go into the cremator.the feeling was not good. sobbings and cryings. i still remember it..

long misses. its been two years alr. i love you, aunt.